The Smartest Person Listens First, and Then Talks.

It used to be that I talked and talked and talked. It was just part of my natural, chatty personality, but then a while back I did something different.

I listened. I would just let people open up, and talk to me. It is amazing. I learn so much from clients, friends, and other contacts, etc. just by listening. and I am not talking about half-heartedly listening, but REALLY listening to that person intently. Every one of us, inherently, wants to be heard. We want to know that we are understood and matter. The smartest people do just that - they listen, reflect, and then respond.

I still continue to listen, like a an old friend exchanging banter in an intimate coffee shop. Nothing matters except giving that person my undivided attention. No cell phones. No looking around. Focusing on them. The response, is quite astonishing, really. By simply listening, we offer the assurance that we understand the other person, that we care about what they have to say, and for me, I really do. I love to listen. And yes, I still love to talk, but after I give the person I am meeting a proper chance to do so first.

Listening has enabled me to organize stories that I have heard from people - namely one project in particular - that I call the Bar Stool Stories. In my professional career, I have had to do lots of research that involved getting out there and making direct contact with the consumer, namely, in bars. I did this for agencies and private liquor/spirits/beverage clients. How I did not end up an alcoholic is still completely beyond me, but thank goodness for knowing limits and calling cabs.

I would start by smiling and saying hello. I would offer to buy that person their next round and ask them 'why' that drink of choice. Then I shut up. I sat and listened. Their choice in beverage was always, 100% of the time, tied to a back story. And those patrons were more than happy to share that with you and in some cases, their amazing stories about life, work, love and whatever else happened to pop in their minds.

I collected these stories, and have begun composing material for a book, based on these short, but amazing, stories. I've grouped them into categories. The first one is about love. People love to talk about love. How they are in it, got out of it, fell for it, happened upon it, ended it, etc. And this all came from just listening. Of course, I only know first names. Most people didn't give me a last name, and those that did are some that I still speak to today, but have agreed to leave their last names out of the book.

The insight that I got from making that connection with people yielded great information for my clients. People are more than happy to share an opinion on their drinking habits. I've gathered stories and opinions from anyone ranging from the CEO's of Fortune 500 companies, to middle managers to doctors, to authors, to professional escorts (yes, you read that right), to single Mom's and beyond. Nobody was off limits. It was whomever I happened to sit next to, or have sit next to me.

I look forward to wrapping up that first book and sharing it with the world. And if I can ever offer any one person a solid piece of advice that will serve you well in ALL situations, just listen. You'll be amazed at what you'll hear from your fellow human.


Best,

B.B.B.B

The Pursuit of Happiness - Giving My Secret Away.

Sometimes things happen, but always for a reason. We don't know why at the time, (and sometimes it's a real head scratcher) but you have to wonder if the universe has other plans for you.

It's kind of like getting the messaging "Stay Tuned" that we see in a news break on a major network. Stay Tuned? But for what? We go through a period of real doubt and general upset. But you must keep the faith that things will work themselves out as they should. The choices you make, the things that happen, it's all part of a bigger picture to which you only get to see a portion, sort of like the image in this post. Sure you see a smile, but you have no idea who this lady is, or even if it IS a lady, we don't know if there is something crazy going on in the background that is making her smile, etc. You get the idea. Sometimes life goes that way. We don't get the whole picture but we must believe that the whole picture is well worth the feeling of standing at the fork in the road and wondering which direction is the right one to pick.

Recently, I came to that fork in the road again and yes, I only have a part of the picture. Yeah, it's scary, but I have learned to just go with the flow - like a twig on the shoulder of a mighty river. Most people ask me how on earth I can bear such changes and uncertainty.  Here's how: I look at the positive. That's it. The moment I let doubt and worry creep in, I will move my spirit into the path medical professionals like to call depression.

I welcome change. I embrace it. I didn't used to. But, it's good for all of us to get a good shake up every now and then. Major life changes can be taken any way. Allow me to show you what I mean...

You can look at job loss as a loss, or you can choose to see it as the opportunity to pursue something you love and a chance to meet new people, flex your skills and perhaps, dare I say, end up where you are supposed to be for a while. You didn't LOSE anything. You GAINED a new lease on life, finding work you enjoy, or time off to travel, take up a new hobby, like collecting stamps, or work a job you never thought you would to keep busy till the next thing comes along (hello dog walker), volunteer, etc.

Getting divorced? You are not losing a spouse, you are embarking on the path to finding a love that will last. You are finding the "right" one. Or perhaps, you choose to rock the single thing for a while. Just think of all the interesting people you'll meet and new friends you'll add along the way.

These are just merely examples. Not that I have ever been divorced, nor can I claim to understand the pain that goes with all of that, but I have broken up with boyfriends and have been dumped myself - hey, it happens - but always for a reason. It's the only way you are able to find the one you are meant to be with. The same story goes with work. Yes, I've been hired and fired. They were all learning experiences that I was thankful to have. It led me to where I am today and that is a place of being able to welcome change. Plus, let's face it. No careers are forever. Not in our economy or our society. We do a job, sometimes for months, sometimes for years. Sometimes we make it VP, and sometimes we don't.

In all, it is just how you choose to see things that can make all the difference.

Be well happiness seekers and remember life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the trip.

B.B.B.B.

B.B.B.B. Thoughts and Advice - Taking Out the Trash.

In my previous post, I opened up my blog to people seeking advice. It didn't take long for me to get some folks who want it and would rather not pay a counselor to hear it, or bore their friends with yet another hour of them drabbling on about the same subject that repeats like a broken record.

Enjoy your advice, In Love with a Real D-Bag. I hope it helps and feel free to spread the word.

Dear Big Bad Blonde Blogger:

Recently I found out my boyfriend of over 5 years has been cheating on me for about the last 9 months. When I found out, he apologized and swore that he would never cheat again and that he wanted for us to work things out. I am torn. I have tried to trust him since I found out all of this, but can't completely trust him 100%. I do want for it to work out since the last several years he has been great. We aren't married, but we have spoken about it many times and he insists that he does want to marry me. I am 25, and most of my friends are married and have kids. Most of them say I should try to forgive him and move on and a few said I should just move on. We don't have any kids, but we do live together. I am torn.  do love him and want for it to work out, but a part of me can't shake the feeling that this will happen again. Any advice you can give me would be great.

In Love with a Real D-Bag


Dear D-Bag Lover:


You probably may know what I am going to tell you. That gut feeling you have? Yeah, you should try listening to it. If he cheats once and manages to get away with it, especially for as long as he did, I would bet my best pair of stiletto Carlos heels, that he will again. Leopards don't change their spots dear. That's just the facts of life. Sure, he may go a while without cheating, but soon he'll get that little stir and tickle that will make him anxious and itching for more action.

Now the tricky part: You still love him. NEWSFLASH: IF he LOVED YOU he WOULDN'T HAVE CHEATED ON YOU. Catch my drift? Sure he wants it to work out. It must be great to have some girl waiting around for him while he goes off and puts notches in his belt all over town. The best way to get over him is to GET AWAY from him. Get your own place. Cut off all communication and get on with your life. Give yourself a few months to be guy free. Take time to find yourself again and then if you feel like it, date. Or just go out and have a romping good time, but be safe and smart of course. Concentrate on you and YOUR needs.

I know it will be hard not to wonder what he is doing, etc. but you must resist reaching out, etc. Every time you have the urge to do so, try this little trick: Picture him with some other girl in very compromising situations and that should put that urge right to rest.

So what are you waiting for girl? Go ahead and grab that bag. It's time for you to take out the trash. And to get you motivated and moving in the right direction, here is a song for you.

All the best to you,

B.B.B.B.

Advice: You Need it, I Got it. FREE.

Recently I have had several people tell me I should open up my personal blog for giving some of my blunt, honest, non-sugar coated advice to people who could use it. So, I gave it some thought and decided to open up the floodgates to whomever should stumble across my brazen little blog and need a bit of advice in the areas of love, life, career, etc. Whatever plagues your mind, taxes your soul and prevents you from a  sound night's sleep that isn't induced by a drink.

If you would like some advice please send your request to:

bigbadblondeblogger@gmail.com

Arrival at Today, By Way of a Long Road.

A phone call came that sent shivers down my spine. It was voice from the past that even today, stirs raw emotion and memories of just how long one must run, not walk, down the road less traveled - especially if that road had a detour at abuse.

I didn't say a word, there was only a few slurred words, obviously induced from this person's favorite drink, going on about "us" and "all that happened" and then a final begging for my absolute forgiveness.  All I could say was "No." And I hung up the phone. This person had been gone for some time, so long in fact, I thought I would have forgotten what their voice sounded like. But the voices of your past remain whispers in the present, even silently so, serving as a reminder that though gone, they are never completely forgotten.

I sat there thinking about how long of a road one must go to overcome the scars that abuse, of any kind, can leave behind.  I have no shame in saying that what I endured was mostly mental/emotional/verbal until it escalated to physical. Being pushed around, thrown and wrestled to the point where you succumb and lay like a rag doll in defeat, if only to end the rage, end your fear and let the pain pass.

Some people are truly not worth the salt in our tears. These are the people that bring out the worst in us, make us into people that we don't even recognize and place on on a merry-go-'round from hell. I was one of the lucky ones who mustered up the strength, the nerve, and the moxy to tell this person that I was done and wanted out. Sure, I was fearful of the retribution and fallout, but I knew if I didn't walk away, I would be stuck in an endless cycle of unhappiness.

So that was it. In a weekend's time, I packed up everything that was mine and left. He wasn't home to object, to guilt, to anything. He was off, having his fun and I was quietly making arrangements for the rest of my life.

Happiness started the moment I walked out of that house for the last time and I have never looked back. Forgetting though, is something I will probably never be able to do. I still get panic stricken when people raise their voices around me, I cannot stand feeling trapped, if someone raises a hand around me I still flinch and partially cower like some beat animal and certain smells evoke a reaction of stomach turning.

Damaged goods? Perhaps so. But I like to think of the label as "Handle With Care." "Fragile Contents Inside." The boyfriend I have now is very understanding and perhaps a bit of a saint to engage in this delicate dance with me. He understands and doesn't get how a man could have been so mean to someone so small and friendly with an innocent outlook on life and the world (descriptors from others).

So ladies (and gents) - if you are in a relationship where you aren't being treated kindly, I can say to you it will be scary to go at first, but once you're gone, then you can start to fix what got broken in the process of. It's a long road, but the first step starts when you say "enough."

Getting Ink'd

Have you ever seen the movie "True Romance"? It's a great film.

Anywho - the main character in it, Alabama, played by Patricia Arquette shows her love and thoughts for her boyfriend (and eventual husband) Clarence by writing on a napkin in a diner "You're So Cool" and giving it to him.


It sort of becomes a pivotal moment in the film that so much is really centered around. It's the idea of finding a love that you just connect with on so many levels and adore for the kindness, love and strength that they give you.

I think it's pretty darn sweet.



So, I knew I had been wanting to get a tattoo. But I could never exactly settle on what. I watched this film the other night and these were some of the more memorable quotes:


"I had to come all the way from the highway and byways of Tallahassee, Florida to MotorCity, Detroit to find my true love. If you gave me a million years to ponder, I would never have guessed that true romance and Detroit would ever go together. And til this day, the events that followed all still seems like a distant dream. But the dream was real and was to change our lives forever. I kept asking Clarence why our world seemed to be collapsing and things seemed to be getting so shitty. And he'd say, "that's the way it goes, but don't forget, it goes the other way too." That's the way romance is... Usually, that's the way it goes, but every once in awhile, it goes the other way too." - Alabama


Then there is this one, that explains "You're so Cool"...


"Amid the chaos of that day, when all I could hear was the thunder of gunshots, and all I could smell was the violence in the air, I look back and am amazed that my thoughts were so clear and true, that three words went through my mind endlessly, repeating themselves like a broken record: you're so cool, you're so cool, you're so cool. And sometimes Clarence asks me what I would have done if he had died, if that bullet had been two inches more to the left. To this, I always smile, as if I'm not going to satisfy him with a response. But I always do. I tell him of how I would want to die, but that the anguish and the want of death would fade like the stars at dawn, and that things would be much as they are now. Perhaps. Except maybe I wouldn't have named our son Elvis."

After watching the movie and speaking to a friend of mine on the phone, I was told that I reminded that person of Alabama in some regards. I thought about it and eventually agreed. Her life was no picnic, but somehow she found a way to love again despite all the heartache and hardships she had to endure in her life. It's life and one of the most wonderful parts of living is falling in love with someone else and most importantly - yourself.

I have come to a place in my life where I can honestly love myself for who I am - all of me. Sure some parts will always be open for change, but my spirit and personality - something that I had many people be critical of for so many years, is loved just the way it is. It's wonderful to feel that way about yourself and to have found another person who thinks it's pretty darn cool too.

So my ink? I will be getting "You're So Cool." Tatt'd on me as a reminder that no matter what, I am pretty darn cool and special not only to myself, but to those that love me as well.

It's been a long road, but I am glad I've arrived at this place. At the intersection of love and life and for once I don't have to choose. I can sit in this time and relish.

I'll place pictures up when I get it done and it has healed...

Best,

A

Hard to Find.

Sometimes a song is best to express what is going through your head when ordinary words can never be arranged to truly convey what you are feeling.

If you've read my blog, you know I have typically had a slightly jaded view on men/romance and all that jazz and with good reason. I have spent plenty of nights crying and cursing men, or just the last man to of crossed me and/or broke my heart. I felt that the whole lot of them were all the same. I had gotten to the point where I had begun to lump every single one of them together - as jerks. By default because of the actions of a few.

This is simply not the case dear reader. I am here to tell you today that good men ARE out there. Now I've met every possible cad, cheat, liar, creep and bastard that fancied himself a worthy catch only for me to discover that beneath that so called sweet demeanor was a not so nice guy who just had learned to work an angle.

I was cautious. I was protective. I was sure that I would not find myself falling for the usual song and dance routine from would-be suitors when I found myself single again. Then, I stumbled upon a man at a chance encounter, and what began as just friendly banter soon began to take the shape of something else entirely.

At first, I dismissed it. I had no business even thinking about men, after all, I had swore them off for the "last" time. Somehow we have the best of intentions but follow-through becomes the problem. And I am glad I have never been very good at follow through.

You see, I met this man. Notice I didn't say "guy" or "dude". I say man because he is mature and from every action and indication, knows how to treat a woman. He is unconditionally sweet, kind and thoughtful. And frankly, I have never come across a man like him before. I look into his eyes and see nothing but sincerity. The best part of all, he makes me feel special, adored beyond anything else and beautiful and as if I he is lucky to have found a gal like me.

My faith is starting to be restored in men day by day, thanks in part to the good one that I have found. I hope he knows that there isn't a day when I don't think just how lucky I am and happy that I took that chance because a good man, is indeed hard to find. Sometimes it's when you're not looking is the very moment you'll find one.

Best,

Anne