Some Men Got it. Some Men Don't. [Here's How to Get Some...]

Recently I met and had drinks with a guy friend. He began to explain to me his dating woes. He had come to the conclusion women only want the men that are just complete jerks to them and that there really wasn't any room for the "nice guy" anymore.

I of course had to laugh when I heard that. Sure, women seem to be more and more drawn to the complete and utter douchebags/bad-boy wannabes (if reality TV is any indication) but most of the women drawn to that type are:

1.) Immature

2.) Have no class/taste

Case in point: The show "Jersey Shores", It is quite popular amongst the young'uns nowadays, and it would seem that women pine after the male stars who are the douchebag type because the women who like these men are of course, immature and have little to no class or taste.

So men: First and foremost, try aiming for the women around your own age bracket or who actually have an I.Q.  Leave the jail-bait at home. Sure it's nice to have the arm candy that lacks brains and dresses in the finest adornments from Fredrick's of Hollywood, but eventually, you'll begin to long for a girl who also fits the bill of arm candy, has a brain and has a fondness for La Perla and dresses for the occasion (and not just to show it all off all of the time).

All that aside, the problem that most men lack is that "edge" that women want. Think of it as this: a gentleman with a solid dose of confidence - meaning, he is to be respected. Firmness to keep himself from being walked on, but a softer side that isn't too good to pick up flowers "just because".

Think of the actor Cary Grant or for those of you who have no clue who he is (and shame on you for not) think of the actor George Clooney. What both these men have about them that draws women to them in throngs (even though Grant is dead, his reputation lives on for his women skills) is that self-assurance of confidence blended with humor, humility, being debonair and demanding respect.

It's sort of like James Bond - only you don't bolt in the morning for us never to hear from you again.

Don't get me wrong - all those guys still have that slight bad-boy streak to them, but they also keep it classy and smooth while still being generally nice and respectful of women.

Trust me fellas: WOMEN NOTICE THIS. AND WE LIKE IT.

We are all fans of the guy who can class it up and can bum around in a t-shirt and jeans all while being confident but not cocky. No girl wants the guy who is full of himself. We see it as a big red flag that odds are: he pulls a lot of tail and will eventually break our hearts.

I had an ex who was one such species (Mr. Full of Himself). I of course thought he was just confident. He also had the humor, softer side, blah, blah, blah... but now that I really have had an opportunity to really look back on it, he was cocky. He was beyond cocky. And he treated me as if I were never good enough. He gave me just enough attention/affection to keep me coming back for more (shame on me).

Eventually Mr. Full of Himself got real old. He did indeed break my heart and while with him, it was always public info. that due to his looks, he could get any woman he wanted, simply by being there. I learned from that and avoid men like that like I avoid White Castles without good cause.

So some tips to see what those Cary Grant types do to win women over:

They smile. They take actual interest in what a lady is saying. They are confident enough to ask for a  number and follow-up with a nice, well planned for date in which he keeps his hands to himself. A good-night smooch is one thing, pawing at us like some dog in heat is another.

They call when they say they will and they keep their word. They leave the games where they belong - on the playground. They make themselves available, but not so much that they seem desperate. They have lives - real lives - with jobs and responsibilities and friends/outside interests. They take things in a relationship at a nice, normal pace and don't become overbearing or worse, possessive/jealous.

They aren't just around for a "good time" and are gone. No, these gents make it appoint to make a woman a part of their lives in some fashion or other. Even if the dating doesn't work out, he remains a friend and gets the jackpot - a friendship with a woman who has access to (tada) more women. And if you are a gentleman, trust me, word travels fast amongst the females.

Ever notice some smoking hot girl on what would appear to be some average guy's arm? Well chances are, he's met the criteria and got past the pre-screening process. He is a gentleman and she'll hang onto him until he proves himself otherwise.

Guys that are push-overs, jerks, act immature (and the list goes on and on) always get found out and always find themselves single (or with some trashy drama queen who acts like a a teeny-bopper). The reason: Some woman recognized those bad characterisitcs and got tired of his shit (thus kicking him to the curb).

Well fellas,  hope this helps. Women still want the nice guys, we just want him to have a  bit of an edge without being a total dick. Make sense?

Happy hunting...

The Hardest Word to Say.

Why is it as people, some of us find it hard to simply just apologize? Why is that?

Apologize for being rude. Apologize for snagging the last good item from the vending machine. Apologize for doing something really screwed up to someone else. Just apologize.

I don't get it. I apologize. And when I do, I mean it.

I hurt your feelings? Sorry. I bumped your beer and made it splash on you? Sorry. Let me get you a fresh one. I failed to let you speed through the yellow light? Sorry. (But, it was for your own safety.)

You get the idea.

So folks, you screw up, admit it. Even if you have the most remote inkling that you did something that warrants an apology, say it. And mean it. It really does matter to people.

In the past few months I have had people do some pretty rude things to/towards me. They never apologized. They went on like their actions were perfectly acceptable. They weren't. And still aren't. I haven't forgotten and yes, when you get around to it, I would appreciate an apology.

Just sayin...

Cry for Me.

Seeing a man, well any man, cry stirs emotion in any of us - especially women. Men are expected by our society to be pillars and examples of strength and courage. Unwavering and collected. As a woman, to see a man cry, a signal in our heads goes off and we rush into action to comfort.

But I am perplexed. Why is it, most men will not openly discuss and tell you what is going on to upset them so? Do they think we cannot see it all over their faces? And when the tears (the evidence that all is not right) come, do really believe that they can go on and dismiss a moment of being human as perceived weakness?

I once had a gal-pal of mine tell me that when she sees a man cry, it disgusts her. Her exact words were "I need a man to be strong and if he is crying that is being a wuss. And wusses are not attractive at all." Wow. Talk about a heartless you-know-what. Her opinion, though and I am sure she is not the only one that feels that way.

The other day, I took some time to catch up with a guy friend of mine who happened to be in town. I hadn't seen him in a great long while and as we were catching up, I could see his face that something was clearly bothering him. I asked him and he dismissed it, and changed topics right away. I didn't press the issue, but deep down, I really wanted to know, so that I could just listen. Because sometimes, that's all we want - to be heard.

As we sat there chatting about his life, he approached the subject of his dating life. He had a string of relationships that went from serious to seriously over. The women he dated were always of the same type: beautiful on the outside, but painfully shallow (and at times brainless) on the inside. He had his heart tore out a few times by some very thoughtless women and even had one girl dump him in favor of a colleague of his. She even sent him a wedding invite. This was his history.

It was as we were sitting there that he began to well up with tears. I had never seen him like this before. He kept excusing himself and feverishly wiped his face. Finally, he put his face in his hands and just - cried. I moved closer to him and he put his head on my shoulder and cried into it, much like a child would.

I didn't mind. He then sat up and looked at me, with tears clouding his eyes and he said, just once I want someone to cry for me (sorry, I felt like this blog posting needed a song to go with it. Great song too - btw). I didn't understand. He looked at me and told me that he was tired of having his heart broken again and again. He swore that this time, he would be doing the breaking of hearts or just not getting serious at all.

I warned him against doing that. "Eventually," I said "You are going to meet a girl that you think is just some passing phase. And while you are busy pursuing every other little miss piece of something, you'll be missing out on quite possibly the best thing that could ever happen to you, because you'll be too wrapped in the next thing you conquer to see it. And by then my friend, she'll see you for what you are, not WHO you really are and she'll grow tired of it all and be gone."

He sat there and stared at me. His crying had stopped. I sat there not knowing what I had said or done. We sat with just stillness. He leaned forward and hugged me. "Thank, you" he said. I wasn't sure what I done, but I sat there looking at him. Then for some unknown reason, I began to cry. He started to laugh. "Why are YOU crying?"

"I just WISH for ONCE in your life you'd pull your head out of your ass." "I know" he said rather quietly. "I don't like to see you so upset" I told him. "It's just hard sometimes" he began. " I am too good to these women and I always get the same results. Maybe it's time I try fishing in other ponds." "Maybe you should try the ocean. There is a much better variety I hear." He laughed and stood up. Happiness crawled back over his face and he grabbed his coat to go.

"Anne?" he said. "Do me a favor. Write all this stuff done and sell it in a book. Men need to hear this sort of stuff every now and again." I agreed. "And one other thing...." he stopped and turned to look at me.

"I hope that guy eventually sees it. Or he will be missing out on the greatest thing that could ever happen to him." And with that, he stepped out the door.

I don't think I will see him again for some time. But he did text me and thank me for just letting him "have a good cry". I do hope that the next girl that comes along for him will do the same thing. Sometimes all a guy needs is to cry and to be heard. Sure I will always be his friend, but I would like to think that every man has a woman like this that they can turn to.

 

5 Minutes

Sometimes all it takes is 5 minutes to snap us back into reality.

Sometimes 5 minutes is all we need to be reminded that sometimes it is a little more than luck that gets us through the day.

Sometimes 5 minutes ends one life and spares another with no reason at all.

The car zipped around the curve in the dark, radio turned up, playing "Cry For Me" by Solomon Burke. As it rounded the bend, there was the sign of an accident - a car, flipped over with no sign of the driver hanging upside-down. Another car was on scene and racing towards the road, frantically waving. The accident must have just occurred.

The Nissan Sentra screached on its brakes and pulled over immediately to assist. A man, sheet white with fear, ran towards the car. "I already called the police. But, but the driver - the driver is gone. They got thrown from the vehicle. I saw the whole thing. They swerved to miss a deer in the road instead of taking the hit head on..."

'Where is the driver!?' I said to the man, who was obviously in shock.

"Over there..."

I turned to go over to see if I could be of any help. He grabbed me by the arm.

"No, no! Don't go over there. They didn't make it. No signs of life. I already checked..."

The man excused himself to get sick.

I did not wish to see the gore, but was concerned that maybe, just maybe, this person was in fact still alive, but clinging on by a thread. I went over and saw for myself something that I am sure a person will never forget.

The young woman's body was a twisted mess and her head pointed in a direction that indicated that clearly, her neck was broken. There was indeed no signs of life.

I went back over by the man, shook up and upset. "That poor woman. I found some of her stuff over there in the field. The cops are on their way, I hear them. I am going to give this to them" he said.

I asked if he needed any further help. "No. No. Thank you for pulling over. I just couldn't..." and he began to cry. "I've never seen something like that before." I hugged him and he did the same. The cops arrived on the scene along with an ambulance. The man gave his statement, I had nothing to add.

"5 minutes" the man said looking at me. That is all it took. You were 5 minutes exactly behind her. I saw the clock on my radio right when it happened."

This sent chills up and down my spine. Had I left from my location  without giving good-bye hugs, I very well would have been this woman.

In 5 minutes, my life could have ended. In those 5 minutes I became more thankful than ever before for hugs and for being just 5 minutes later on the road than I had wanted.